| Sometimes you just have to write in order to understand fully whats going on. For me, I feel like seeing it in writing gives me more perspective than just thinking about it because then I see and can focus on words rather than gathered, random thoughts. I suppose a story is in order to completely grasp the magnitude of STUPIDITY this whole situation truly is. Six years ago I start working at a place that all my siblings worked at. I was excited and nervous, never believing the idea that these people I saw daily would become a family and second home to me. Things began to get rocky, but only at the end, right before quitting, and boy should I have quit sooner. Not only did I leave with 2 managers whom I loved so much and thought of as second mothers pissed at me, but I lost literally all my other "friends". I suppose I should start with Deb + Gerri. I think the thing that made me lose Deb was becoming friends with her daughter. She needed someone to blame for the wrong doings her daughter did, and I seemed to be the appropriate scapegoat for her. Not only did I work with her and was close to her, so she knew it would affect me most, but also I suppose she couldnt fathom the idea that she raised a terrible person. Im not normally one to bash anyone, but after months and months of being blatantly ignored for something you didnt do, it begins to fuck with your head. Quite literally, I could sue her ass and claim insanity because long periods of time of being ignored by someone close to you, it can literally alter your chemical balance and make you depressed and you begin to have a phobia of future periods of the silent treatment. I dont like to think of my life as depressing, but I cannot help but to feel like many of my problems are a result of the treatment I endured at arbys---customers + co-workers together. Gerri--now whats her deal?! Well, I suppose that situation was my fault. However, I attempted, and RE-attempted to make things right and the woman holds a grudge like no others. Im not sure why, and Im not sure what even goes through her head, just generally speaking, but she cannot let the whole thing go. She lost trust in me and I dont blame her...but I think its time to forgive + forget. Perhaps thats just me. Gina?! Well she was my bestest friend. I talked to her and saw her daily. We were tight and I wasnt scared to be honest with her about anything. However, towards the end of our friendship it did take a turn for the worse. I still love her dearly, and I understand the stuff shes been through is not something anyone around our age, or any age for that matter, should have to endure, especially alone. Father passing, cancer scares, heart problems, crazy mother, no siblings to turn to, attempting to get through college. I admit, her life was terribly hard, but at the same time that doesnt dismiss the fact that nothing ever topped her. I soon realized I couldnt tell her anything anymore. That to her, it was a game of "which is worse" and if you werent worse off, she didnt seem to care at all. Perhaps my perception of things, but still fair to believe. After realizing this, I never told her anything. If she found out what was going on in my life, it was not from my mouth. Later we became purely drinking buddies. Id go to her place and wed go out. Even that got sour. She would become beligerant and tell me, basically, how she truly felt about me. Of course, already being emotional on top of drunk, the mix wasnt going to go over well, and I often went home crying. She never understood the impact on my life she had--whether in the aspect of being strong, or the aspect of slowly making me feel as if we werent meant to be friends. At the time, losing a friend was the one thing I feared most and couldnt handle, and I was sure I made that quite clear. However, one drunken night broke everything off. Granted, I did lash out which I had never done before, but in my defense, I wasnt in the wrong for doing so. I truly felt, yet again, she was picking on me, telling me how she truly felt, and I just could not handle it for another moment. I called her cunt, and quickly realized what I had done. I attempted to correct things but the damage was already done. I couldnt take it back now. I left that night knowing if anything was going to work out I had to just keep apologizing and explaining myself. However, that didnt work. I got worked up because I was being blamed for being emotional as if it was ANYTHING new. While, on the other hand, I should have been the one mad because for the first time I stood up for myself and I had right in doing so. I think Im most mad about the fact that I purposely never told her anything because I knew I couldnt, and for so long I allowed her being drunk to be an excuse for the rude things shed say to me. Needless to say, we are no longer friends and its because Im simply too emotional. Or so she kept claiming.... Rachel + Leanne. Well these two go together because the bullshit that went down involved them both. Not to mention, it truly shouldnt have been an issue with either. I digress. Basically Lea and I had gotten close, while Rachel and Lea had drifted, but only slightly. This truly has nothing to do with my story but I felt I should at least point it out. Anyway, Lea had been drunk + was letting the truth out more than I think she wanted to. I let it sly and never spoke a word of it, however, keep in mind it was her doing, and not mine. She decides to tell Rachel about it. Thats her perrogative, however, in doing so she asked Rachel not to tell anyone. What does Rachel do? She runs to Ang and tells her, and Ang in turn tells me. When word gets back to me, its all mixed up and wrong. The blame was put on me which was completely wrong. I then began to defend myself and said too much and led onto a situation that had happened later which was also an effect of alcohol. That story then got back to Lea, and she got mad at me. When I attempted to explain that I only said something because I wasnt clearly told what was being talked about, I just got scolded to keep my mouth shut. I dont disagree. I said too much, and should have checked info before ranting. In the end, we all got over it. Lea and I hungout since, and Rachel began texting me. However, after a little bit of time passed, Rachel and I still werent completely okay. Shed text me on rare occassions, and Id text her back. Sometimes Id text her first, but Id get no response at all. I wasnt sure what the reasoning was because too much time passed, nothing was said, and everyone else was ok. I was wrong in believing that we were okay. She deleted me on facebook as her way of telling me that we are no longer friends. I only wished that she kept to her word and wasnt so petty in the whole situation. I dont mind being told what I did wrong, and often enough own up to my mistakes. I do have a problem with the fact that everything ended over facebook and that unlike she claims, she couldnt just tell me -- to my face -- what the problem was. I dont know. I guess I can see their argument in the fact that I said too much, and they also called me emotional, which I cannot argue with either. However, after 6 years, you should know and understand how people are. So thats what Ive had to deal with in the past couple of months. Ive come to the conclusion that anyone from arbys hasnt the maturity level of a ten year old---that being nice. I dont understand how someone can hold a grudge, another can blame you for something even though they know better, be cool one day + not the next, and talk so highly of their honesty and become cowards in their prime. |
